지친다... 너무 힘들어...

20151022

우울증

I don't know what has gotten to me
I really feel that I'm depressed
I don't remember myself being so clingy and all
But now all I crave for is his attention
It's very contradicting in my mind right now
I want all of his attention but at the same time I want him to shine in what he do best
It makes me feel so proud and glad

Every time I'm alone
I feel this wave of sadness and emptiness engulf me
I feel like I'm drowning
Always short of breath
I need to stop crying
I try to tell myself to think positively
But all my brain is telling me is that I suck and am a burden to others
I want to think otherwise but it's kind of true

He probably thinks that I'm a burdensome person right now
Totally regrets asking me out

I feel so useless right now
I know I need help
But I don't know where to start
Who to approach and all

Labels: 안녕, 我的生活, 真心告白, 累

20151008

One Of Those Nights

Tonight is one of those nights where i feel damn shitty
Not worthy of anything
Lonely
And upset at myself

I don't even know why I would feel like this
It's just one of those days where the past will come back and haunt me
Reminding me of everything that I want to forget
Everything that I want to bury and move on with life

In my head right now
Thoughts like slitting
Drinking and crying
Are floating around

I tell myself again and again
Not to go back to slitting
I hope it is working
And the thought will go away soon

The only nice thing that happened tonight was
When I told him I was feeling damn shitty
He actually tried to cheer me up
I swear this is the best feeling ever

It made me feel less alone but still shitty
Nevertheless
I appreciate everything he did
It did put a small smile on my face

How can I put everything down for real and move on?
I really want to
Forget everything and carry on with life
Never feeling shitty and scared again

That day I realized
I need to let go of y'all
In order to let go of those memories
So I tried

Just when I thought I did
Y'all will appear here and there
Appearing from time to time
Reminding me of everything that has happened

Labels: SimpleUpdate, 안녕, 我的生活, 累

20150317

Lost

I feel so lost right now
Like I don't know what's next
School or work
Not sure if I'm ready to face the world yet
Quite sure that I don't want this to be the start of my future
But not sure about what I want in uni
Or rather quite sure until everything got messed up
I was so sure that I want to study TV and Broadcast
It's just pathetic that we don't have a degree here that majors in TV and Broadcast
Fuck
I feel so scared right now
It's not even a joke
Like what if I don't get into a uni?
Or what if this is really the start of the rest of my life
I definitely want to achieve more
But it seems like everything is not going my way
I kinda really want a break from everything
But sadly society doesn't allow it
This is so fucked up on so many level

Every time I try to make a move so I can be more independent
You just have to pull me back
For fuck's sake
I'm turning 20 this year
Back when I want to work so that I can earn some money
You say no
And now I don't wanna do shits
You want me to go and find work
What the actual fuck are you thinking?
I'm so done with everything right now
I just want to go overseas and have fun
Like really have fun
Relax and not think about anything
This is making me way too stressed

I really and truly feel lost about every single thing that is happening in my life right now
Have no one to talk to also
You don't give any fucks coz your dramas are more important than anything
Because you are fucking right about every single thing
Just because you are my mom
Fuck this bull crap man
Just wait till the day I leave
I'll make sure to not come back
AT ALL

Labels: 안녕, 我的生活, 真心告白, 累

20150213

害怕

發現了自己其實害怕進入一段感情
因為害怕所以索性不要喜歡
甘願一個人
想來想去還是搞不清楚自己為什麼怕戀愛
或許是因為看到朋友的例子吧⋯⋯
因為他們結束得太難看
連朋友也做不成⋯⋯
或許就如「我可能不會愛你」裡
李大仁所說的「擁有就是失去的開始如果不曾擁有就不會失去」
程又青說的「朋友比戀人還永久」
因為害怕失去這個朋友
所以索性留在朋友的位置⋯⋯

我承認自己是個膽小鬼
我承認自己懦弱
但我在逼自己堅強
我要我自己能獨當一面
不要完全的依賴人

或許有一天我會不害怕戀愛⋯⋯
希望那個人能快點出現
讓我看到戀愛的好
忘了戀愛的壞⋯⋯

Labels: 안녕, 發現, 真心告白, 累

20141208

依賴

突然發現我已經忘了如何依賴一個人
像小孩出了事就會依賴媽媽
那種感覺已經忘了
就連依賴父母的感覺我也忘了
現在出了事我就只會想到自己該如何處理
一切的一切都靠自己
雖說靠山山倒靠人人跑
但還是希望有一個我可以依賴的人出現
一個我知道無論發生什麼事我都可以躲的避風港
屬於我個人的防空洞
希望被呵護著被保護著⋯⋯
或許我真的累了吧⋯⋯

Labels: 안녕, 我的生活, 發現, 累

20140824

Annoyed

Fucking hate it when people don't reply my messages
Especially when you check your phone all the time when you are out
Bitch is it that difficult to reply with an "okay"?
Are you that busy that you don't even have 1 minute to reply a message????
Fuck you okay
It's so fucking annoying
Like I'm the one planning the trip already
I need your fucking opinion on what you would like to do
If not I can just go out myself
Why the fuck do I bother asking you if you want to have this or if you want to do that when you don't care
Fuck this shit
Like really
I don't care if you are busy or whatever
Just reply my message
If you want to discuss this later then TELL ME
I CANNOT FUCKING READ YOUR MIND
YOU NEED TO TELL ME BEFORE I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING OKAY
This fucking sucks
Now I remember why I don't like going out with you
And this whole thing just makes the trip out bad
Don't even feel like going tomorrow
Fuck you man
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: Angry, 안녕, 累

20140309

Tired

I don't know why recently
I don't want to hang out with people
I rather be at home or do things that don't require much energy
I feel so lethargic recently
like I don't even know whyI had enough rest from poly horror already
even when it comes to food
I feel so lazy to eat every meal
I only had 1 proper meal in 2 days
I feel damn hungry but I don't want to eat
What the hell is wrong with me?
feel so damn annoyed at myself
like is this that few days in a while that i'll feel like shit
want to go back to slitting
now whenever I have nothing on my mind
I'll think about it
and I've been telling myself that I cannot go back
I quitted it already
ughhhhh
damn annoyed

Labels: ponderin..., 안녕, 我的生活, 累

20140213

Annoyed

Feel so fucking annoyed by everything
All I want is a reply like "I'll reach ASAP"
I did not ask y'all to reach at 7am for no fucking reason right
Later this guy late
That person late
Then how?
I can choose to tell my dad that I do not need his help on sat
and fuck this shoot up
Since the director lost hope already
It doesn't matter anymore
Does it?
Fuck you
Fuck everything
I don't care anymore.

Labels: Angry, 안녕, 我的生活, 真心告白, 累

20140211

Fucking Tired

I am so fucking tired

Nothing is going right

Problems here

Problems there

fuck

ughhhhhhh

Tbh, if the director gave up

Idk why am I still hanging on for?

I'm also fucking sick now okay

Just going to drown my sorrows in alcohol tonight and fuck up my BTE tmr

FUCK EVERYTHING

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Labels: Angry, FML, Fuck you, ponderin..., Sick, 안녕, 我的生活, 累

20140102

Fuck you

Fuck you for everything

Having your period doesn't mean that you are the biggest around

Having your period doesn't mean that you can go around venting your anger frustration on everybody

Also fuck you

I'm 18 already

I technically am out of your control

By telling you where I went and telling you that I'm going out is a form of respect for you

If I don't respect you,

I can jolly well disappear for a few days and come back and not tell you anything

So don't push the line

This makes me a lot more sure that I will not finish my uni course in SG

Definitely overseas for sure

Somewhere far from you where you have no control over what I'm doing

I had enough of everything for the past 18 years

I'm not your dog

I'm not supposed to do everything you say

I only do that because this is a form of respect

And not for you to push it.

Labels: Angry, FML, Fuck you, I am who I am, 안녕, 我的生活, 累

20131221

보고 싶어

I feel so tired out of a sudden
like just tired
I know that I'm not jaded
But then again
I don't wanna do anything
I love what I do now
like really love it
but I need a break from everything
not just studies.
I. NEED. A. BREAK. FROM. EVERYTHING.
My life is just so eventful in the last few years that I'm sick and tired of it now
Sounds funny huh?
A kid a 18 says that she wanna take a break from eventful life
Now that I think of it,
my life has been too eventful for the past 7/8 years
From him to all shits I have to handle
I just ran and ran and ran for a long time
I want a break from everything
and everything is just making it worse
can I just leave everything and go off somewhere?
so that I can start my life anew?

Kinda shocked at how long have he left us already
Everyone seems to be able to talk about him freely
but i just couldn't
I kinda did not mention about him at all in the past few years
I still cannot now
It would be a lie if I say I don't miss him
I miss him a lot
I just cannot think about him
It's so hard to hear everyone joke about him
Then it hits me that he isn't here anymore
I miss you
Even though I don't say it.

Labels: 안녕, 我的生活, 真心告白, 累

20131122

shits happens

Shits happening again...
I just ended one not long ago and another one is happening again???
I mean it wouldn't hit me as bad as the first one but still...
This for sure will not drive me suicidal but again
I'm tired of dealing with shits
like this also happened around my birthday
like last year
it's like "fuck you, not gonna spare you on your birthday"
I'm still bloody hurt by what happened in the last 3 years
can you spare me for a while?
like stop totally
I wanna live a normal life
stop having me handling with shits
will not even mention how scared I am now
if there is a relapse like the other time?
this is like the fucking cancer of my life
I cannot take it anymore

Labels: FML, 안녕, 真心告白, 累

20131007

생각...

Death always makes me wonder
Who will be the one at my wake crying for me if I died
It is kinda sad that I cannot really think of a person that will be there for sure
Too many fucked up things in my life
Friendships that I wanna give up so that my life can be easier
Been thinking of this for quite a while now.
Do I really wanna end those friendships that I have
They are really precious to me and I have to say
The ones that gave me the most pain in my life.
I really don't wanna live in fear from now on
Fear from the fact that I might just receive a message from either one of them
Demanding things from another
And they have to talk through me
Just because they don't wanna talk to each other
The whole incident tormented me for around 2 years already
I really want it out of my life.
I really don't want to be tangled in this anymore
I have to say
This incident scarred me real bad
It made me not want to make anymore friends
Just because I'm scared that this happen again in my new friendship
Both of them seems good and happy after the whole thing ended.
Yes it ended.
It ended before
It had a relapse and it ended again
I don't want another relapse.
We are all tormented by this
And I don't know if an end will really come
I kinda wanna stop living in fantasy and step back to reality
But reality is a harsh thing for me
So harsh that I don't know if I have any true friends out there
I'm so tired.
So fucking tired
Can the end be the real 'THE END' to this whole thing?

Labels: 안녕, 我的生活, 發現, 真心告白, 累

20130613

disgusted

OMG I'm so disgusted by this
Your smile
your laugh
and your action
I can't even
The worse thing one can do to another is to torture his/her emotions
play with it
treat it like shit
If u think that it is okay
NO
IT IS NOT
It is not funny to be treated like shit
If u dun like him then say straight in his face
end the torture faster
and also DON'T lovey dovey in front of others
then still want us to treat it like we do not know
SORRY WE CAN'T
we are not so saint that we can pretend we did not see those PDAs
If you wanna be in a relationship
wanna PDA
FINE
at least let the people around you know
so that it is not that awkward
Fuck
u think u there fake nothing happen
we will really think nth happen is it
U dun want people to tease then dun start the action
Once u do it,
people see
then accept the teasing
if not then tone it down
some more flirting in front of some one you know who also like the same person
is like the WORSE thing ever
It is so bloody inconsiderate
N it shows how much of a douche you are
In addition that person is your friend
YOUR FRIEND
N you know that u two like the same person and knows that she will never choose him
then u tease him like what
This shows how petty you are
This totally shows a different side of you to me
You really is the damn asshole person I've known
And showed me how two sided you are
It really disgust me.

Labels: Angry, 안녕, 我的生活, 發現, 真心告白

20130426

Hey~

Just feel like posting something here
Been feeling tired recently
Not as energetic as I was in the past
Guess I've been thinking a lot
A lot of random thoughts
Thinking why aren't we talking anymore.
Is it cause I'm not the first one initiating the conversation?
I'm tired of being the first one to start talking after every quarrel
Tired of being the one that starts a conversation first
Why must I be the one?
Why can't you be the one?
Am I not that important in your heart as you are in mine?
Feels sad to think that it is like this.
Been using work to numb myself too much.
So much that I feel lost without things to do.
I want to get out of this country
This place where there are so much more bad memories than good ones
I want to go to a place where I don't have anything to care about
To a place where I do not have to deal with shits
If not, I want to reset my life
Just let everything in the past be erased
And let my life start anew

Labels: Vacation, 안녕, 我的生活, 累

안녕^^

I luv K-Pop alot, N only sm Mandopop Artist
Mai luv is SHINee
Bias in SHINee is Choi MinHo
I Ship 2min[taemin <3 minho]hard
I luv JongKey[Jonghyun <3 Key] too

사랑<3

SHINee
MinHo
2min
JongKey
K-Pop
SuperJunior
SM Family
TeoYengTing[Mummy]
RoxanneHae[Granny]
Henry[Oppa]
Music

소원<3

Meet SHINee AT LEAST Once before I die
Buy All SHINee Merchandises
Love SHINee More(If its possible...)

얘기해^^

음악:)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com